Business
The Average Londoner Now Spends £69 a Week on Pickled Onions
Official figures show the average Londoner now spends £69 a week on pickled onions, a 4,300 per cent rise since 2019. Odious Trout has views on the matter, and on you.
Business
Markets, mergers, and the forecasts of learned men.
Plate: Death and the Banker
Business
Shrinkflation: Holy Sacrament at Nando’s Now 36% Smaller, Same Price
Nando's has cut its communion wafer by 36 per cent while holding the price at £2.50, and one retired tax inspector from Orpington is not taking it lying down. Our correspondent, meanwhile, has been going to the wrong branch entirely.
Business
Shrinkflation: Condoms Now 51% Smaller, Same Price
Durex has cut its Ultra-Close condoms by 51% and kept the price at £9.99. One man in Nuneaton measured it. It fits his thumb. The ONS now calls it a snack.
Business
Michael Gove Launches Luxury Watermelon at £524
Michael Gove unveils a £524 watermelon in a Rotherham abattoir, gets hit in the face with a baguette, and the fruit is never sold. The nation watches, or parks in a lay-by.
Business
Supermarkets Ration Starships to 4 Per Customer
Panic buying has forced supermarkets to limit Starships to four per customer. Your correspondent queued, sneered, and accidentally bought four herself.