Vol. III · No. 313
Day Edition The Graveyard Shift
Price Twopence Cold. Low cloud
Arts, media, and the discourse about the discourse.
Plate: Death and the Critic
A reader asks why plastic rulers have a long groove. Your correspondent investigates for three days before realising she has been measuring a cheese knife.
Disgraced medic Dr Bill Bornfrom reviews Maidstone's chippies for optimal fart-on-poor dispersal, with a staff toilet twist.
Britney Spears is reading futures for a tenner in a B&Q car park, and three kitchens have already flooded. The management is not amused.
Stagecoach turns a 22-year vandalism campaign into a heritage attraction, and the door that never opens becomes the safest in the fleet.
Guinness refuses McConnell's 63-year urine collection on a technicality, and the adjudicator opens his own rival exhibit of empty jars.
Beyoncé's ghost bin collector returns to Weatherfield, and your correspondent finds herself rather enjoying it, which is deeply inconvenient.
A barefoot arts critic reviews a pub carpet, a bowl of borscht, and a manhunt for an armless thatcher who beat his wife with 41 teabags, as the town rallies around the nicer story.
A former mayor laughs at a scrotum-shaped satchel. The nation responds with petitions, suspensions, and a parliamentary debate. The satchel's owner thinks it's all rather funny.
Barnaby Trench is quitting his job at a Swindon Wetherspoon to suck clitorises online for cash. His fiancée is furious about the £1,400 chaise longue. Our critic, barefoot, has never heard of the clitoris and believes it is a French pastry.
Ringo Starr moves to Harrogate to be abused by strangers in Corsas, and the town turns it into a funded art project.
Rod Stewart's spiritual guide confirms Keanu Reeves keeps every carrier bag inside a smaller carrier bag, and the nation is asked to take it seriously.
Milicent Bystander loses her job over a digestive biscuit, and her stepfather, a retired naval chaplain, is more concerned with heresy than unemployment. But the Lord, and the editor, move in mysterious ways.
