Politics
Parliament Will Microchip Cave-People, Says Angela Rayner
Angela Rayner confirms a £4.1 million scheme to microchip Britain's cave-people, with chips at £14.99 a head and 39,993 of them left over in a warehouse in Slough.
Politics
Statecraft, scandal, and the people who cause both.
Plate: Death and the Minister
Politics
U2 Apologises for Staring at Labia, Promises to Keep Doing It
U2 have apologised for staring at a labia in 1981 and confirmed they will keep staring at labia for the foreseeable future, while Dublin City Council votes to name a music block after them.
Politics
Minister Falls Asleep During Last-Minute Terror Attack
The Home Secretary slept through a terror attack briefing and woke to ask if it could be reclassified as a traffic offence. The only person who understood the situation was asleep.
Politics
BNP Apologises for Beating Children With Doughnuts, Promises to Keep Doing It
The BNP apologises for beating children with doughnuts, then doubles down with a 12-page framework and a new line of Patriot Pastries. Your correspondent finds herself, against all reason, rather taken with the idea.