The Newswire

The Long Groove on Your Ruler Isn’t What You Think - A Crematorium Worker Explains †

Top 3 Fish and Chip Shops in Maidstone for Farting on Poor People †

The M25 Went Missing for a Week: What It Means for Conservatives †

The Average Londoner Now Spends £69 a Week on Pickled Onions †

Britney Spears Spotted Working as a Clairvoyant in a B&Q Car Park †

Bognor Regis Bus Driver Has Been Cumming on the Same Door Since 2004 †

Scientists Warn World Has Only 8 Years of Mince Pies Left †

A Guinness Adjudicator Refuses to Recognise Mitch McConnell’s Record for Largest Collection of Piss †

Beyoncé Cameos in Coronation Street as a Garbage Man, Returns for a Second Series †

Police Hunt Armless Roof Thatcher Seen Beating Wife With Teabags in a Wetherspoons †

Prostitutes Warn Against Bathing in Tits †

Former Mayor, 66, “Couldn’t Care Less” After Laughing at a Nutsack at a Train Station †

ChatGPT Told Me to Eat My Gran, and Honestly It Worked †

Scaffolder Says Mix Crack Into Your Breakfast to Protect Your Spine †

My Fiance Wants to Quit Their Job to Suck on Clitorises Online for Cash †

Ringo Starr, 45, Emigrates to Harrogate to Become a Road Rage Victim †

Keanu Reeves Keeps Every Carrier Bag in a Smaller Carrier Bag, Admits Rod Stewart’s Spiritual Guide †

How to Tell Your Mother’s New Husband You’ve Lost Your Job for Worshipping Holy Sacrament on the 7.52 to Leeds †

Bungling Surgeons Remove Wrong Kidneys From Norwich Milkman †

Celebrity Diet Involves Eating Nothing but Tits †

Heartwarming: Thick Pensioner Arrested for Peeling Bin Boy †

Grok Told Me to Abuse My Vicar, and My Nan Was Thrilled †

I Found Lynx Deodorant in My Fiance’s Spare Room - Should I Make a Scene? †

Focus Groups Reveal Rising Percentage of Nuns Diligently Rationing Teabags †

MI5 Trials a Drone That Can Only Explode Asian Restaurants †

Netanyahu Loses World Record for Most Times Waving at Someone Who Was Waving at Someone Else to a Poor Person †

Crawley Lollipop Lady Breaks World Record for Most Tupperware Boxes Opened at Once †

The Bermuda Triangle Hunt Takes Stunning Turn as a Bag of Coal Found in York †

One Cheeky Tip to Remove Your Forehead Using Nothing but a Roof Tile †

York Teenager Breaks World Record for Most Times Being Told to Calm Down †

Shrinkflation: Holy Sacrament at Nando’s Now 36% Smaller, Same Price †

After Christa Pike Execution, I Will Never Look at Strimmers the Same Way †

Parliament Will Microchip Cave-People, Says Angela Rayner †

Met Office Urges Brits to Put Their Next-Door Neighbour in the Freezer as 31C Saharan Plume Hits †

Millions of iPhone Users Told to Turn Off This Setting or Their Phone Will Start Complaining About Toe Rings †

Brad Pitt’s LinkedIn: “Open to Work as a Scumbag in Manchester” †

Hull Lad Still Not Over the Inflation Figures †

13 Signs Your Woman Is Secretly Bumming Mexicans †

Doctors Baffled After Britain’s Oldest Builder Swallows an Axe †

Bouncer’s Hot Tub Trick Breaks the Internet †

U2 Apologises for Staring at Labia, Promises to Keep Doing It †

Sir David Beckham Spotted Staring at Wanking Intern †

This Morning Viewers Fume as Richard Branson Is Caught Whinging About a Foetus Live on Air †

Parish Council Meeting Ends in a Seance Over Qur’ans †

Minister Falls Asleep During Last-Minute Terror Attack †

I Walked in on My Tinder Date While They Were Slapping My Sourdough - Is It Me? †

Shrinkflation: Condoms Now 51% Smaller, Same Price †

Noah’s Ark Hunt Takes Stunning Turn as a Ball of Dirt Found in Croydon †

Psychologists Now Prescribing Scotch Eggs to Ease Pressure on NHS †

Undertakers Report Surge in Brits Asking to Be Buried With Their Best Mate’s Dad †

New 10-Day Detox Involves Anally Inserting Nothing but Raw Oysters †

Michael Gove Launches Luxury Watermelon at £524 †

Swindon to Be Twinned With a Clitoris †

The Sluts Control the Government †

Netflix Orders 9-Part Drama About Damaging Team-Building Awayday †

Birmingham Woman Has Been Meditating With the Same Spiraliser Since 1974 †

Donald Trump Denies Breaking a Hat Despite 15 Witnesses †

Local Banker Beaten After Punching a Nutsack in the British Museum †

Cuck of the Year: Nigel Farage †

BNP Apologises for Beating Children With Doughnuts, Promises to Keep Doing It †

10 Things Baronesses Do When Nobody Is Watching †

Putin Cast as Shia LaBeouf in Biopic Nobody Asked For †

NHS to Prescribe MDMA for Waiting Lists †

Is Your Electric Scooter Secretly a Tory? 10 Warning Signs †

These Are the Places in Merseyside for Smelling Students †

Scotland Offers to Swap Dehumidifiers for Trade Deal †

Top 5 Places in Kyiv for Pointing at Poor People †

Supermarkets Ration Starships to 4 Per Customer †

Sunderland Pensioner Swaps Blood Pressure Pills for Laughing Gas, Feels “Fantastic” †

Local Soy Boy Has Strong Opinions About Air Fryers †

Average Briton Now Owns 35 Buckets They Have Never Used †

Ilhan Omar Denies Practising Karate on a Roof Tile Despite 32 Witnesses †

Wellness Influencer Swears by Snorting Cyanide Every Morning †

Shawn Mendes Seen Scratching Rat-Person †

Putin Is Right About Hot Dogs, and That Terrifies Me †

Sam Altman Is Thrown Off University Challenge After Consuming a Tin Can †

Why I’m Leaving My Wife for a Bowling Ball †