Vol. III · No. 313
Day Edition The Graveyard Shift
Price Twopence Cold. Low cloud
Newspapers have always called their archive the morgue. Ours holds every story ever laid to rest here, newest first. Search it, or sort by desk.
A reader asks why plastic rulers have a long groove. Your correspondent investigates for three days before realising she has been measuring a cheese knife.
Disgraced medic Dr Bill Bornfrom reviews Maidstone's chippies for optimal fart-on-poor dispersal, with a staff toilet twist.
The state lost an entire motorway and sold it as breakfast cereal. The feasibility study will report in 2029.
Official figures show the average Londoner now spends £69 a week on pickled onions, a 4,300 per cent rise since 2019. Odious Trout has views on the matter, and on you.
Britney Spears is reading futures for a tenner in a B&Q car park, and three kitchens have already flooded. The management is not amused.
Stagecoach turns a 22-year vandalism campaign into a heritage attraction, and the door that never opens becomes the safest in the fleet.
The UK has 412 million mince pies left and a projected depletion date of 24 December 2034. Dr Bill Bornfrom has read the stocktake and blames you personally.
Guinness refuses McConnell's 63-year urine collection on a technicality, and the adjudicator opens his own rival exhibit of empty jars.
Beyoncé's ghost bin collector returns to Weatherfield, and your correspondent finds herself rather enjoying it, which is deeply inconvenient.
A barefoot arts critic reviews a pub carpet, a bowl of borscht, and a manhunt for an armless thatcher who beat his wife with 41 teabags, as the town rallies around the nicer story.
The British Association of Sex Workers has issued a formal warning against bathing in your own breasts. The Free the Nipple Bathing Collective is not having it.
A former mayor laughs at a scrotum-shaped satchel. The nation responds with petitions, suspensions, and a parliamentary debate. The satchel's owner thinks it's all rather funny.
