Health
Prostitutes Warn Against Bathing in Tits
The British Association of Sex Workers has issued a formal warning against bathing in your own breasts. The Free the Nipple Bathing Collective is not having it.
Health
Cures, crises, and the latest advice on staying alive.
Plate: Death and the Wellness Coach
Health
Scaffolder Says Mix Crack Into Your Breakfast to Protect Your Spine
A scaffolder from Doncaster claims crack cocaine in porridge realigns the spine, the NHS is baffled, and the ASA rules a spine made of crack rocks is 'artistic expression'.
Health
Celebrity Diet Involves Eating Nothing but Tits
Portia Culloden has eaten nothing but tits since June. The government has noticed. Dr Bill Bornfrom has noticed your fridge.
Health
Doctors Baffled After Britain’s Oldest Builder Swallows an Axe
A 74-year-old builder swallows a felling axe on a bet, names it Sid, and refuses to part with it even after surgery. The NHS is baffled, a health and safety officer calls it a fire hazard, and the next challenge is a spirit level.
Health
Psychologists Now Prescribing Scotch Eggs to Ease Pressure on NHS
NHS England is now prescribing scotch eggs instead of GP appointments, saving £4.2 million by not treating anyone. The scheme is being extended to Hull, where the eggs will be pickled.
Health
New 10-Day Detox Involves Anally Inserting Nothing but Raw Oysters
Dr Bill Bornfrom's ten-day rectal oyster detox has 11,000 adherents, an MP, a deputy chief constable, and two hospitalisations. He prescribes less egg.
Health
NHS to Prescribe MDMA for Waiting Lists
Frederica Organ visits the NHS MDMA waiting-list pilot, finds ecstatic nudity, a cuddling epidemic, and a borscht factory that has finally found its purpose. She is barefoot, obviously.
Health
Sunderland Pensioner Swaps Blood Pressure Pills for Laughing Gas, Feels “Fantastic”
Sunderland pensioner swaps blood pressure pills for laughing gas, feels 'fantastic', and the NHS sees a saving opportunity. The scheme ends in arrest, but she's still laughing.
Health
Wellness Influencer Swears by Snorting Cyanide Every Morning
Marnie Quill, a Brighton wellness influencer with 47,000 followers, snorts food-grade cyanide every morning and calls it a reset. The NHS is concerned. Her nutritionist is concerned. She is not concerned.