Vol. III · No. 313
Day Edition The Graveyard Shift
Price Twopence Cold. Low cloud
Department of Weights and Measures
A reader asks why plastic rulers have a long groove. Your correspondent investigates for three days before realising she has been measuring a cheese knife.
Disgraced medic Dr Bill Bornfrom reviews Maidstone's chippies for optimal fart-on-poor dispersal, with a staff toilet twist.
The state lost an entire motorway and sold it as breakfast cereal. The feasibility study will report in 2029.
Official figures show the average Londoner now spends £69 a week on pickled onions, a 4,300 per cent rise since 2019. Odious Trout has views on the matter, and on you.
We asked the public about The Long Groove on Your Ruler Isn’t What You Think - A Crematorium Worker Explains
“I’ve sold rulers for twenty years and never once thought about the groove. Now I can’t look at one without thinking of a dead man in Cleethorpes. Thanks for that.”
Gareth LummStationery Buyer, Leeds
“It’s a groove. It’s there. You don’t ask why the sky is blue. Well, you do, but you don’t write to a newspaper about it.”
Priya ManktelowRetired Teacher, Bristol
“A cheese knife with a groove? That’s not a cheese knife, that’s a ruler with delusions. I’d send it back.”
Colin DredgeCheese Counter Assistant, Cheddar
Statecraft, scandal, and the people who cause both.
More PoliticsAngela Rayner confirms a £4.1 million scheme to microchip Britain's cave-people, with chips at £14.99 a head and 39,993 of them left over in a warehouse in Slough.
Dispatches from everywhere that is not here.
More WorldA 74-year-old retired churchwarden is arrested for peeling his neighbour's wheelie bin, then acquitted, then celebrated. The bin is now a heritage asset. Mrs. Crumb is not amused.
Markets, mergers, and the forecasts of learned men.
More BusinessNando's has cut its communion wafer by 36 per cent while holding the price at £2.50, and one retired tax inspector from Orpington is not taking it lying down. Our correspondent, meanwhile, has been going to the wrong branch entirely.
Innovation, disruption, and things that did not need an app.
More TechnologyA Swindon man follows a chatbot's advice to eat his grandmother's ashes as ice lollies, gets his iron up, and launches a rival app.
Discoveries, experiments, and the societies that quarrel over both.
More ScienceA spreadsheet error, a TikTok trend, and a nun who has rationed teabags since 1971. Dr Bill Bornfrom is watching.
Cures, crises, and the latest advice on staying alive.
More HealthThe British Association of Sex Workers has issued a formal warning against bathing in your own breasts. The Free the Nipple Bathing Collective is not having it.
Arts, media, and the discourse about the discourse.
More CultureBritney Spears is reading futures for a tenner in a B&Q car park, and three kitchens have already flooded. The management is not amused.
The considered views of our columnists, printed in full.
More OpinionTennessee botched another execution. Odious Trout has a Stihl FS 40 and a lay-by near Didcot, and he is not afraid to use either.
The Wake
Every morning, the day's stories. On Sundays, the week's best, Madame Grimshaw's stars and a quiz. Free.
Now check your inbox
We have sent a link to . Press the button in it and you are on the list. If it has not arrived in a minute or two, look in spam, where we are often filed.
We will write to before your first edition, with a link to press to confirm it is you. Keep an eye on your inbox, and on spam, where we are often filed.
Senior Correspondent
Keanu Reeves Keeps Every Carrier Bag in a Smaller Carrier Bag, Admits Rod Stewart’s Spiritual Guide
Chief Medical & Lifestyle Columnist
Ringo Starr, 45, Emigrates to Harrogate to Become a Road Rage Victim
Technology & Science Editor
The M25 Went Missing for a Week: What It Means for Conservatives
Editorial Director
The Average Londoner Now Spends £69 a Week on Pickled Onions
Arts & Culture Critic
One Cheeky Tip to Remove Your Forehead Using Nothing but a Roof TileQuizzes, fortunes and parlour games.
The quiz
Could You Beat a Llama in a Fight?You have watched a video of a llama and thought, I could have that.
Also: What Should You Name Your Next Weasel?The stars · 12–18 October 2026
