kyle braithwaite, 19, filmed himself in a hot tub in his nan’s back garden in rhyl on a tuesday, wearing a traffic cone as a hat, rotating slowly for 47 seconds. he said nothing. the video has 41 million views. i watched it barefoot in my flat in cardiff and i did not move for some time. the water was not clean. i could see that. i could see the little bits in it. i rang kyle. he said, ‘i just wanted to see what it looked like.’ i put the phone down and looked at the wall for eleven minutes. the wall was magnolia. the wall was complicit.
the agency in slough that saw a god
a marketing agency called bright harbour, based above a costa in slough, signed kyle to a six-figure deal. their creative director, a man called julian meek, 44, told me, ‘we’re not selling a person, we’re selling a feeling.’ i asked what feeling. he said, ‘the feeling of being in water.’ i asked if he had ever been in water. he said he had a paddling pool as a child. i wrote down the word ‘paddling’ and underlined it twice. julian has a podcast. i hope his paddling pool is visited in the night by something with too many teeth and no name. anyway, the deal is for eighteen months and includes a candle.
colchester, a paddling pool and a man called dean
kyle was booked to open a nightclub in colchester called the vault on a saturday. the club’s owner, dean puckett, 52, had promised a hot tub on the dancefloor. instead there was a paddling pool from argos, still with the sticker on, £12.99. dean told kyle, ‘it’s a statement about authenticity.’ kyle said, ‘it’s a paddling pool.’ dean said, ‘it’s a statement.’ kyle walked off. the crowd of 400 turned on dean. someone threw a shoe. i was not wearing shoes, so i could not throw one. i stood in the car park and thought about borscht. the beetroot does not lie. the beetroot has never lied.
the police arrive and everyone is very calm
essex police arrived at 11.40pm. a pc called hollie draycott, 29, took statements. dean said he had been assaulted by a shoe. kyle said he had been assaulted by a paddling pool. pc draycott said, ‘it’s a civil matter.’ she then asked kyle for a selfie. he said no. she said, ‘fair enough.’ the club closed at midnight. dean is now selling the paddling pool on facebook marketplace for £200, described as ‘celebrity-owned’. it has not sold. i asked dean if he was okay. he said, ‘i’m a businessman.’ i wrote down the word ‘businessman’ and drew a small circle around it. the circle was a border. i do not recognise borders.
the candle, the conference and the new sincerity
kyle now sells a candle called ‘bouncer’s steam’ for £34 from his nan’s garage in rhyl. it smells of chlorine and regret. it is sold out. he has been invited to speak at a creative industries conference in salford on 14 november about ‘the new sincerity’. the other speakers include a woman who makes lamps out of her own hair and a man who has never been to salford. kyle told me he is going to talk about water. i asked if he was nervous. he said, ‘no.’ i asked if he was excited. he said, ‘no.’ i asked what he was. he said, ‘i’m just here.’ i lay down on the floor of his nan’s garage and the floor was cold and the floor was honest. i hope the conference is visited in the night by something with too many teeth and no name. anyway, the candle is sold out, which is the only thing that matters.
