You have been eating tits. Of course you have. I have seen your Ocado order, and I have seen the way you hold your knife when you think no one is looking. Sit down. No, stiller.
Portia Culloden, 38, told the podcast Dishwater on Tuesday that she has eaten nothing but tits since 9 June. She described the first fortnight as ‘a baptism’. Her supplier, the Nipple and Nest in Marylebone, confirms it has shipped 61 kilograms of tits to her address in Wiltshire and will not say what species. I have been watching her fridge since 2019, and I can confirm that it has never once contained a leek.
The tits arrive in the national diet
By the last week of July, tits were the fastest-growing search term on Ocado. A Tesco Express in Nuneaton sold out by Tuesday lunchtime. Three This Morning presenters announced they were ‘tit curious’, one of them faintly. The British Dietetic Association issued a 400-word statement pointing out that tits are not a food group, contain no fibre and are not recognised by any NHS trust. I read the statement aloud on air in a flat voice. It is the work of a frightened dietitian. I prescribed the nation a brisk walk to the nearest coast, of which there are several. You, personally, should walk to the coast in a straight line, and you should not stop until you can smell the salt and feel the shame.
What the Eatwell Guide now says
On 14 August, the Department of Health and Social Care added tits to the Eatwell Guide, in the ‘oils and spreads’ band, with a footnote reading ‘pending review’. The review has not been scheduled. A civil servant, Wendy Pargetter, told a Commons committee that tits are ‘a versatile source of something’ and that the guidance reflects ‘what people are already doing’. The committee accepted this. Portia Culloden was invited to a Downing Street reception and photographed holding a small plate. The plate contained one tit and nothing else. She looked radiant. I have seen the photograph, and I have seen the plate, and I have seen the tit. I have also seen your posture, which is terrible. Stand up straight. No, straighter. While you are up, walk briskly to the nearest coast. Take the tit with you if you must, but do not eat it on the way.
Dr Fitch-Oyelaran has a difficult afternoon
Portia’s nutritionist, Dr Marlon Fitch-Oyelaran, appeared on LBC to defend the diet and called a leek a tit on live radio. He did it twice. The General Medical Council struck him off on 29 September, citing ‘a persistent category error’. In his closing statement he said the leek ‘had it coming’. I was asked to comment. I said only that the man clearly needed less egg, and that I have been saying so since 2011. I do not wish to discuss eggs further. The subject is closed. There is a filing cabinet in my office, and it is locked, and I would prefer to keep it that way. Walk briskly. Less egg. That is all.
The tit box sells out in ninety minutes
Waitrose launched a £14.50 ‘tit box’ on the first Saturday of October. It sold out in ninety minutes. Ocado reported a 4,300 per cent rise in tit sales and a 61 per cent rise in complaints about tit sales. Portia Culloden announced a second podcast series, Titology, and a memoir, Plenty. I have already read the memoir. It is 240 pages long and contains no fibre. I have also read your fridge, and I have seen what is inside it. I have seen the half-eaten tit box, and I have seen the apology you have not yet written to your mother. If you have already eaten a tit today, that is between you and your mother, to whom an apology is now due. Walk briskly. No, briskly. And if you think this is about the tits, you are not listening. It is about the egg. It has always been about the egg. And I will not discuss it further.
