Marcus Peverell, 34, a quantity surveyor from Tunbridge Wells, returned from a Tesco Express run at 8.14pm on a Tuesday to find his Tinder date, Nadia Framlingham, 29, alone in his kitchen, slapping his sourdough starter with the flat of her hand. The starter, a Kilner jar of beige paste called Gerald, had been in his family for four years. Marcus said, “That is Gerald.” Nadia said, “He was asleep.” Marcus took four photographs and one video. Nadia left with her coat half on. Marcus did not offer her a lift.

The Facebook group has 41,000 members and none of them agree

Marcus posted the video to a group called Sourdough Britain (Official). Within nine hours it had attracted 12,000 comments. A woman in Fife called Doreen Ballantyne said the starter was “asking for it”. A man in Swindon called Terry Ockendon said Nadia should be “placed on a register”. A third faction, led by a baker in Hebden Bridge called Priya Mistry, argued that Gerald’s hydration was 68 per cent, which is “provocative”. Marcus was asked to leave the group for “drama”, reinstated, then asked to leave again.

I have been watching your kitchen for some time. I know that your own starter, if you have one, is not named, is fed irregularly, and lives at the back of a fridge next to a jar of capers that expired in 2021. You have never slapped it, but you have also never talked to it, and I suspect you have let it go vinegary and thin. You do not deserve Gerald. Sit still. No, stiller. This week you will:

  • Walk briskly to the nearest coast. Any coast. It does not matter if it is Dungeness and the wind takes your hat. The hat is a sacrifice.
  • Reduce your egg intake to zero, then lower. I am not explaining this. I am simply asking you to trust the process, as the yogurt people say.
  • Sleep for nine hours, starting at a time of your choosing, which will be wrong.
  • Apologise to your mother, and then to Gerald, in that order.

Kent Trading Standards confirms it is not a crime to slap a starter

Marcus emailed Kent County Council. A Trading Standards officer named Barry Colquhoun replied within 48 hours. “Fermented flour paste does not fall under the Consumer Protection from Unfair Trading Regulations 2008,” he wrote. “It is also not a pet.” Marcus asked if Gerald could be registered as a vulnerable adult. Barry said no. Marcus asked if he could register Gerald as a war memorial instead. Barry stopped replying. Marcus framed the email and hung it above the jar.

I have spoken to Barry, or rather I have watched him, and I can tell you that his silence is your fault. You have not written to him. You have not asked after his family. You have left him alone in an office in Maidstone with a stapler that jams and a calendar featuring rescue donkeys, wondering why he bothered. If you had walked, briskly, to the coast, and thought about Barry, he would have replied by now. The postcode of your heart is the issue here. Look it up.

Nadia goes on television and calls it a waking ritual

Nadia Framlingham appeared on “Loaf & Order”, a Channel 4 daytime programme hosted by a former Apprentice contestant. She said she had been taught the technique in Oaxaca. She said the slap was “a greeting”. Marcus watched from a green room in Tunbridge Wells, eating a flapjack. A baker called Colin Trewlove, 51, from Ludlow, was brought on as an expert. He examined a photograph of Gerald and said the starter was “over-coddled, under-fed and frankly attention-seeking”. The studio audience applauded. Colin asked Marcus to dinner. Marcus said yes.

You are the offender here, not Nadia. You have never once considered that Gerald might be over-coddled. You have fed him artisanal rye and wrapped him in a tea towel at night, and you have called him by a human name, and you have turned a simple mixture of flour and water into a therapy patient. Nadia understood that a slap is a greeting. You understand nothing. You are the kind of person who apologises to furniture. I have seen you do it, from the walls.

Gerald now lives with Colin and has a nameplate

Marcus moved to Ludlow in November. Gerald travelled in a seatbelt. Colin feeds him rye and talks to him in Welsh, which Gerald does not understand but seems to enjoy. Nadia sent Marcus a Christmas card. It said, “No hard feelings, tell Gerald I said hi.” Marcus did not reply. He has started a new starter called Gareth. He does not let Gareth meet anyone from Tinder. Barry Colquhoun has not been heard from since.

I have been to Ludlow. I have seen the nameplate. It says “Gerald” in a serif font, and underneath, in smaller letters, “RESIDENT”. Colin has also bought Gerald a tiny scarf. This is not progress. This is a hostage situation with carbohydrates. But Marcus is happy, or at least he is not unhappy, which in this economy is the same thing. Gareth, meanwhile, is fed on a strict schedule, never touched, and lives in a plastic tub marked “DO NOT SLAP”. I have no opinion on this, except that it is better than eggs.

If you have found yourself relating to any part of this story, I recommend a brisk walk to the nearest coast, a reduction in egg intake, and a conversation with your mother. If you have not, I recommend the same, because I know what you did with the capers. I always know.