The Guinness World Records office in London has confirmed that Benjamin Netanyahu, 76, is no longer the holder of the record for the most times waving at someone who was waving at someone else. The title, which Netanyahu had held since 2017 with a total of 1,243 waves, has been awarded to Gary Pettifer, 34, an unemployed plumber from Scunthorpe. Pettifer, who was waiting for the number 42 bus on a Tuesday morning, waved at a man across the road who was actually hailing a taxi. The wave was deemed ‘authentic’ by Guinness adjudicators, who noted that Pettifer’s arm movement was ‘unrehearsed, hopeful, and entirely misdirected.’ Netanyahu, informed of the loss during a cabinet meeting, reportedly went quiet for several minutes before asking, ‘Who is this man? And what does he want from me?’

The prime minister’s response is immediate and clinical

Netanyahu, refusing to accept the verdict, has ordered a full review of his own waving history. He has appointed a special commission, chaired by his wife Sara, to re-examine 47 hours of footage from his public appearances. The commission has already identified 312 additional waves that were ‘misattributed’ to other people. Netanyahu’s spokesman, Omer Dostrovsky, said, ‘The prime minister has waved at many people who were waving at other people. That he has been beaten by a man in a tracksuit is an insult to the state of Israel.’ Pettifer, meanwhile, has been offered a ‘consultancy role’ in the Israeli tourism ministry, which he has accepted on the condition that he never has to wave at anyone. He has also been asked to appear on a new reality show, ‘Wave Off,’ in which contestants compete to misdirect their greetings. Netanyahu has declined to appear, citing ‘a conflict of interest.’

A counter-claim is lodged with the United Nations

Netanyahu has formally appealed to the United Nations, claiming that the record was ‘stolen by a man who does not even own a suit.’ In a letter to the Secretary-General, he argued that Pettifer’s wave was ‘not a wave in the traditional sense, but a reflexive gesture of a man who has never had to wave at a head of state.’ The letter, which runs to 14 pages, includes a diagram of Netanyahu’s arm movements over the past decade, annotated with terms such as ‘the diplomatic flutter’ and ‘the security sweep.’ The UN has not responded, but a spokesperson for Guinness said, ‘We stand by our adjudication. The wave was real. The misrecognition was real. The record is his.’ Pettifer, asked about the controversy, said, ‘I don’t even like waving. It’s just something you do when you’re not sure if someone knows you.’

The medical verdict

As your doctor, I must intervene. You are reading about a 76-year-old man who has lost a world record to a plumber from Scunthorpe, and you are feeling a mixture of pity and confusion. This is a symptom of a deeper condition: you have too much time on your hands, and you are not walking briskly enough. I prescribe the following:

  • Walk briskly to the nearest embassy, wave at a diplomat, and then apologise.
  • Reduce your egg intake to zero, then lower.
  • Sleep for nine hours, starting at a time of your choosing, which will be wrong.
  • Apologise to your mother.

If you find yourself thinking about Netanyahu’s waving technique, stop. It is not your concern. You have your own waves to worry about, and I am watching. I always watch.

The appeal fails and a new record is set

Guinness has rejected Netanyahu’s appeal, citing ‘a lack of evidence that the prime minister’s waves were anything other than rehearsed.’ The commission, however, has submitted a counter-claim: that Netanyahu has now waved at the commission itself, mistaking Sara for a visiting dignitary, and that this wave, at 2:47pm on a Tuesday, should count as a new record for ‘most waves in a single meeting.’ Guinness has not yet ruled on this, but Netanyahu has already declared victory, saying, ‘I have waved at the world, and the world has waved back, even if it was waving at someone else.’ Pettifer, meanwhile, has been spotted at a bus stop in Scunthorpe, waving at a seagull. He says he is ‘just practising.’