Albion Whelp Pictures, a production company best known for a 2019 adaptation of the Domesday Book, has announced a £90 million biopic of Vladimir Putin. Shia LaBeouf is to play the title role. The press release describes the film as ‘a tender, unflinching portrait of a man who has never been tender and cannot flinch.’ LaBeouf, in a video posted from a lay-by near Slough, says he has already begun ‘living the role’ by not smiling for three weeks and eating only tinned fish. The Russian embassy in London has issued a statement calling the project ‘a crude provocation’ and, in the same breath, requested a producer credit for Ambassador Andrei Kelin.
The method regimen that has alarmed even his agent
Your correspondent has obtained a leaked call sheet detailing LaBeouf’s preparation, and it is a document to make even the most seasoned thespian reach for a small sherry. He has hired a Russian tutor, Irina Pashkov, who reports that he has learned the phrase ‘I am the state’ but insists on pronouncing it ‘I am the steak.’ He has also purchased a retired circus bear named Susan, which he wrestles daily in a car park in Reading, to the consternation of the local branch of Aldi. His agent, Felicity Grunt, tells your correspondent that LaBeouf has not blinked since 12 August and that this is ‘either commitment or a medical emergency.’ The film’s director, Crispin Loach, defends the regimen, saying the lack of blinking is ‘the key to Putin’s mystique, and also cheaper than CGI.’
“He hasn’t blinked in six weeks. I’ve stopped sending him scripts and started sending him eye drops,” said Felicity Grunt, Agent and Amateur Ophthalmologist.
“The bear is the most professional actor I have ever worked with,” said Crispin Loach, Director, Albion Whelp Pictures.
The Kremlin’s response is legal, theatrical and slightly late
Moscow’s cultural attaché, Dmitri Volkov, held a press conference in Kensington to denounce the film. He threatened to sue under a little-used 1887 statute on ‘theatrical defamation of foreign sovereigns’ and demanded that the bear be returned to Russia. A journalist asked why the embassy had waited three weeks to respond. Volkov admitted he had been on holiday in Margate. The embassy then offered to invest £5 million in the film in exchange for final cut. Loach accepted, then denied accepting, then accepted again. LaBeouf, asked for comment, growled.
“This film is a provocation, a lie, and an insult to the Russian people. Also, we would like a producer credit, and possibly a screening at the Kremlin,” said Dmitri Volkov, Cultural Attaché, Russian Embassy.
The BBFC takes a dim view of the Greggs scene
The British Board of Film Classification has demanded cuts to a pivotal sequence in which LaBeouf, as Putin, rides a mechanical horse through a branch of Greggs in Doncaster while singing a Cossack lament. The BBFC cites ‘sustained pastry-based peril’ and ‘a sausage roll used as a prop in a manner likely to cause offence to the baking industry.’ Loach argues that the scene is historically accurate, though he cannot say which history. The scene was trimmed by four seconds. A spokesman for Greggs said the company ‘does not comment on fictional portrayals of its stores, but reminds customers that the vegan sausage roll is now available nationwide.’
“The scene in question posed a clear risk to public order and to the structural integrity of a steak bake,” said Geraldine Pugh, Senior Examiner, British Board of Film Classification.
A straight-to-streaming release and a modest afterlife
The film, retitled Putin: A Life in Four Blinks, was released on a streaming platform nobody has heard of. It has been watched by 11 people. One of them, Doreen Tipple of Bexhill-on-Sea, tells your correspondent she thought it was a documentary about her missing cat, also named Vladimir. The film received no BAFTA nominations. LaBeouf was photographed in a Wetherspoon’s in Newport Pagnell, still not blinking, eating a mixed grill. The bear, Susan, has been rehomed to a sanctuary in Norfolk and is said to be ‘thriving, in a bear way.’ Volkov has been promoted to a post in Ulaanbaatar. Your correspondent, who attended the press screening with a small sherry concealed in her handbag, has seen the film twice and weeps openly during the Greggs scene, though she cannot say whether it is for the pastry, the performance, or the sheer futility of the human endeavour. The rain, as ever, continues to fall, and the bear, at least, has a future.
