The live stream began at 9:14pm on 29 September from a hotel room in Toronto, and for the first eleven minutes it was a man on a bed with an acoustic guitar, scratching his left forearm. Then a rat-person in a small grey coat climbed out of his sleeve, crossed the fretboard, and left through a ventilation grate. Mendes kept playing. The clip had been viewed 4.1 million times before Ruby Sound issued a statement saying the animal “is not real and was never real.” The statement was read aloud by a woman in a lanyard who did not blink once.
Kevin, as he is now known, was identified by Dale Bouchard, a Toronto exterminator who said he had known the rat for two years and that it owed him forty dollars from a previous job. Bouchard described Kevin as a Norway rat from the alley behind the hotel, with a taste for the strings of expensive instruments and a way of looking at you that he did not care for.
Ruby Sound announces a tour with a wellness interval
Ruby Sound has announced thirty-four North American dates, each featuring a twenty-minute wellness interval during which the stage is vacuumed by a man in a hazmat suit. Tickets went on sale at £180 and sold out in nine minutes. A note on the tour page says the interval is “for the comfort of all attendees.”
“We have taken every possible measure to ensure the wellbeing of our audience and our artist,” said Marguerite Fenn, Director of Audience Wellness and Compliance at Ruby Sound. Twat.
Priya Sandhu, 29, of Mississauga, attended the first night. She paid £11 for a paper cup of water and was handed a laminated card at the door reading DO NOT FEED THE RAT-PERSON. She asked a steward what would happen if she did.
“We don’t know yet,” the steward told her. “Please don’t tell anyone.” Pillock.
She told everyone. By the interval she had posted a photograph of the card to four social media platforms and filed a noise complaint with the venue, citing “an ongoing scratching sound from the direction of the stage.”
Kevin gets a residency at the Rivoli and a Juno
Kevin performed fourteen nights at the Rivoli on Queen Street East. The show, forty-five minutes long, consisted of Kevin sitting on a stool while a backing band played his breathing. The Toronto Star called it “brave.” The Globe and Mail called it “a haunting meditation on confinement.” I call it a rat on a stool, and you, reading this on your telephone in your pyjamas, would have paid £90 to see it. Gobshite.
On the final night Kevin was presented with a Juno by a woman from the awards committee. He bit her thumb and was escorted out by two men in polo shirts. The Juno was later found in a storm drain on Broadview Avenue. Mendes did not attend. He was photographed at a pancake restaurant in Etobicoke, eating alone, looking at his phone.
“The award was accepted in the spirit in which it was offered,” said Bartholomew Quince, Chair of the Juno Awards Rat Liaison Subcommittee. Total wanker.
The city installs a plaque and a bin in the alley
Toronto City Council voted 14-3 to designate the alley behind the hotel a cultural heritage site. A plaque, a bin and a security camera were installed at a cost of $48,000.
“This alley tells the story of this city’s relationship with its rats,” said Councillor Bev Nattrass, who represents Ward 14 and has never been in the alley. Pillock.
The plaque reads: “Kevin. Rat. 2019-2026. He crossed a fretboard.” By the morning it had been stolen and the bin was on fire. Dale Bouchard said he knew who did it and that it was Kevin.
You want to know what has gone wrong with this city, this country, this entire hemisphere? There is no lay-by. There is no car park at Didcot with the headlights off and two people not talking about their feelings. There is only a rat with a Juno and a wellness interval. In 1983 we had one channel, one bread and a sense of shame. We did not have Kevin. And if we had, he would have been dealt with in the car park, quietly, by men who did not need a laminated card to tell them what to do.
Mendes says the rat-person was a metaphor
Mendes released a ninety-second video in which he said the rat-person “was a metaphor for the pressure of the industry” and that he had “learned a lot about myself.” He did not say what he had learned.
“Shawn has grown enormously through this experience,” said Dr Helena Plover, a creativity coach retained by the label. Wanker.
Ruby Sound has announced a deluxe edition of the album, with three new tracks and a spoken-word interlude by Kevin, recorded in the alley on a phone. The interlude runs four minutes and eleven seconds and consists entirely of breathing. It is the best thing on the record and everyone knows it, including Mendes, who has reportedly asked for it to be removed. The label has refused.
The plaque was never recovered. The bin is still smouldering. Kevin was last seen heading east on Queen Street with forty dollars in his coat, looking for a lay-by.
