You have been reading for eleven minutes. Of course you have. You have been sitting down, holding paper or a screen, and being yourself, which is three risk factors before lunch. Sit up. No, straighter. This week you will:

  • Walk briskly to the coast. Any coast.
  • Apologise to your mother, who has been waiting.
  • Say the words out loud, once, and mean them.
  • Reduce your egg intake to zero, then lower.

If you cannot manage that, reduce it to one, then feel the shame of the one. Do not tell me you have no time. I have seen your Tuesday. I know what you did on your Tuesday.

Now, to the patient. Callum Pryce, 17, of Heworth, York, has been told to calm down 4,112 times in 30 days, verified on Tuesday by Dr Imogen Featherstonehaugh of the International Tone Regulatory Board, who flew from Geneva and checked the tally chart, a laminated A4 sheet kept behind the till at the Spar on Tang Hall Lane. The chart is initialled by whoever issues the instruction, which is why the till area smells of biro. Callum’s mother, Nicola Pryce, 48, accounts for 61 per cent of the total, mostly from the doorway of the utility room, and says she does not remember saying it even once. Callum’s only comment, made while sitting on the stairs, was that he was perfectly calm.

The adjudicator’s ruling and why the dog has been placed on file

Dr Featherstonehaugh deducts 16 instructions after reviewing CCTV, because they were aimed at Dennis, the family lurcher, who had been circling the kitchen table. The record falls to 4,096, still a world best. Dennis is entered provisionally for the 2027 attempt, and a separate file is opened. Featherstonehaugh confirms she has adjudicated calm-down records in Melbourne, Lagos and Basingstoke, and that York is “the most compliant city I have visited, which is not the same as the calmest.” She declines to give a figure for her own household.

York City Council adopts the record without reading the paperwork

The council’s “Respectful York” strategy cites Callum’s 4,096 as evidence of a growing “tone problem” in the city. Councillor Maureen Halliwell, portfolio holder for community cohesion, says the figure proves that residents are “shouting at each other in their own homes.” A 12-week Calm Down Awareness course is launched at £185 per head, with a concession rate of £170 for anyone referred by a family member. Nicola Pryce enrols Callum on the Thursday. Callum is told to calm down about it. He is told to calm down about being told to calm down. This is logged as a separate incident.

The counter-claim from the sister who has never once said it

Bethany Pryce, 14, submits a rival claim that she has been told to cheer up 3,900 times, largely by her grandmother, and that nobody has ever laminated anything for her. While handing the forms across the counter at the Spar, she is told to calm down by the shopkeeper, Mr Aziz Rehman, who initials the chart out of habit. Her submission is therefore disqualified as a conflict of interest. Bethany says she will appeal. She is told to calm down about the appeal.

A note on your own household

You have read this far, which means you have been sitting down for eleven minutes. Stand up. This week you will: walk briskly to the coast. Any coast. Apologise to your mother, who has been waiting. Say the words out loud, once, and mean them. Reduce your egg intake to zero, then lower. If you cannot manage that, reduce it to one, then feel the shame of the one. Do not tell me you have no time. I have seen your Tuesday. I know what you did on your Tuesday. If you have been told to calm down recently, it was correct, and it was probably me.