The British National Party has issued a formal apology for beating children with doughnuts at a rally in Dudley, but has confirmed the practice will continue. The apology, signed by chairman Gerald Whitlock, states that the party ‘regrets any distress caused’ but that the doughnuts, inspired by the television programme Traitors and retailing at £2.99, were ‘applied with due care and proportionality’. The incident, captured on a mobile phone, shows a party steward striking a 12-year-old boy with a jam-filled ring while shouting ‘This is for Britain’.

A statement of regret, and of resolve

Whitlock, speaking from the party’s headquarters in a converted carpet shop, elaborated: ‘We apologise for the optics. We do not apologise for the principle. The doughnut is a British institution, and so is discipline. In an age of soft sentencing and continental pastries, somebody must hold the line.’ The party has issued a 12-page document, ‘Doughnut Discipline: A Framework for Schools’, recommending the use of ring doughnuts for minor infractions and iced rings for repeat offences. A spokesman confirmed that the doughnuts are ‘sourced from a bakery in Wolverhampton, not from any foreign conglomerate’.

Your correspondent has read the document in full, with a small sherry, and can shew that it is a masterpiece of circular reasoning. ‘The doughnut,’ it declares, ‘is the perfect instrument: round, portable, and biodegradable.’ It further recommends that the confection be applied ‘with a firm but loving wrist’, and that any child who objects be given a plain bagel ‘to reflect the emptiness of their argument’.

The educational psychologist weighs in

Dr Margaret Plimsoll, a retired educational psychologist from Kidderminster, has endorsed the practice, calling it ‘a tactile reminder of consequence’. In a letter to the party, she wrote: ‘The doughnut, being circular, symbolises the cyclical nature of behaviour and its correction. The sugar content provides a brief dopamine spike which, in my clinical opinion, aids memory retention.’ She has since been appointed to the party’s new ‘Pastry Advisory Board’, alongside a former baker and a man who once managed a Greggs. The Anti-Doughnut League, a coalition of parents and confectioners, has called for a boycott of all ring-shaped baked goods.

One is given to understand that Dr Plimsoll has also proposed a variant involving custard, ‘for particularly stubborn cases’. The party has not yet commented, though a source within the carpet shop suggests that ‘the custard question is a live one’.

A counter-protest, and a new product line

The Anti-Doughnut League has announced a counter-protest outside the party’s headquarters, to be held on Saturday. They plan to distribute free croissants, ‘to show what civilised discipline looks like’. In response, Whitlock has unveiled a new range of ‘Patriot Pastries’, including éclairs for ‘repeat offenders’ and a cinnamon twist ‘for those who question the party line’. A party leaflet declares: ‘We will not be swayed by the soft-left’s patisserie agenda.’ Meanwhile, the original video has been viewed 2.3 million times, and a petition to ban doughnuts in schools has gained 47,000 signatures.

Your correspondent has obtained a sample of the cinnamon twist, and can confirm that it is, at least, pleasantly spicy. The connexion between flag and filling, however, remains obscure. One suspects the éclair is merely a vehicle for the custard, and that the party’s true ambition is to reintroduce the cream horn as a form of public humiliation.

Your correspondent reflects

One has watched the footage, several times, with a small sherry. The child’s face, powdered with sugar, is a picture of bewilderment. And yet, one cannot help but wonder: is a nation that cannot beat a child with a doughnut a nation at all? The BNP, for all its faults, has at least reminded us that discipline, like pastry, must be applied with conviction. One is now informed that the party has announced a ‘Doughnut Day’ in schools, with proceeds going to ‘traditional values’. One rather thinks one might attend. The weather, as ever, is appalling, and the sherry is running low. It will not be replaced.