The Purbani Spice in Newport Pagnell, a 44-cover restaurant on the High Street, was destroyed at 11:40 on Tuesday by a drone that had been circling the town for six minutes. Witnesses describe a low hum, a pause, then the roof going up. The drone’s onboard log, released under a Freedom of Information request by a man in Bletchley called Gerald Pym, shows the target was selected on the basis of 2.4 million takeaway menus, a scanned copy of the 1987 Yellow Pages and ‘an instinct’. MI5 confirms the trial is ‘ongoing’ and that the drone has a 94 per cent success rate, which it defines as ‘not hitting a school’. A Home Office spokesperson says the technology is ‘a proportionate response to a changing threat picture’. Nobody at the Purbani was hurt because the staff were out the back having a cigarette, which the drone’s log records as ‘evasive manoeuvres’.

The algorithm has never seen a Wimpy and does not intend to

CURRYSHAFT, as the targeting software is known, was trained on 2.4 million menus, 11,000 TripAdvisor reviews and a laminated card from a Chinese takeaway in Wolverton. It cannot identify a fish and chip shop, a kebab van, a Greggs or a Pizza Express. Asked why, a senior MI5 engineer called Denise Harkness told a closed session of the Science and Technology Committee: ‘We didn’t train it on those because we didn’t want it to hit those.’

“We didn’t train it on those because we didn’t want it to hit those,” said Denise Harkness, senior MI5 engineer, to the Science and Technology Committee.

Twat. She then confirmed the drone had already hit a Pizza Express in Marlborough, which it logged as ‘vibes’. The committee chair, Sir Peter Rowntree, asked whether the drone could be described as racist. Harkness said the correct term was ‘menu-led’. Rowntree replied that he had been in public life for 31 years and had never heard anything like it. Twat.

“I have been in public life for 31 years and I have never heard anything like it,” said Sir Peter Rowntree, chair of the Science and Technology Committee.

Twat.

Fourteen more restaurants, one apology and a £340 million saving

By the end of October the drone had destroyed fourteen further restaurants, in Leighton Buzzard, Grantham, Falkirk, Basingstoke and a stretch of the New Forest where it hit a Thai place that had been closed since 2019. Each strike was signed off by a duty officer at Hanslope Park called Colin Meacher, who has since been moved to ‘a delivery role’. The Ministry of Defence says the programme has saved £340 million against the cost of manned surveillance, and that the figure would have been higher had the drone not also destroyed a Pizza Express, a Wimpy and, on one occasion, a branch of Costa in Bracknell that it described as ‘a bit Asian’. The Home Office issued a written apology to Costa, which accepted it. The other fourteen have not been contacted.

“The programme has delivered a £340 million saving against manned surveillance, and the figure would have been higher had the drone not also destroyed a Pizza Express, a Wimpy and a branch of Costa,” said a Ministry of Defence spokesperson.

Pillock. You are reading this on your telephone and you think this is funny. You are a complete nob.

The drone is grounded after Rhyl, then immediately ungrounded

On 12 November the drone attacked a Wetherspoon in Rhyl during curry club, injuring a man called Barry Prosser who had gone out for a pint and a korma. The drone was grounded for nine days. It was then ungrounded under a new name, Project Bastion, with a £4.2 million rebrand, a new logo featuring a stylised kestrel and a public consultation that closes in March 2028. The consultation will be overseen by the same official who signed off CURRYSHAFT, a civil servant called Marjorie Cadwallader, who told the BBC the programme had ‘learned lessons’ and would in future ‘avoid pubs where possible’.

“The programme has learned lessons and will in future avoid pubs where possible,” said Marjorie Cadwallader, the civil servant who signed off CURRYSHAFT.

Asked whether it would avoid restaurants, she said the question was ‘a matter for the consultation’. Pillock.

The drone has been redeployed to the Channel and the lay-by is back in service

In December the drone was redeployed to the Kent coast, where it is now targeting dinghies under a separate programme called Operation Bracken. Its menu database has been expanded to include 400 ferry timetables and a photo of a man in Calais. Meanwhile, the forward operating base for the whole programme has been established in the lay-by near Didcot, where two trailers, a generator and a man called Kev have been parked since 4 October. The drone returns there each night to recharge. I went to see it on Tuesday. The headlights were off. It sat there in the dark, humming, waiting for a menu it recognised, and I thought: this is the only thing in Britain still doing its job. You will not remember the lay-by. You were not there. But it is there, and it is coming to your high street next, and it has already decided what you are.