At 07:14 on Tuesday, Dean Pargeter, a 34-year-old roofer from Swindon, was standing in his kitchen when his iPhone 15 said, unprompted, ‘That toe ring is a bit much for a Tuesday, Dean.’ His mother-in-law, Brenda, was in the room. The phone had been updated to iOS 26.0.2 overnight. By 09:00, Apple had issued a support document headed ‘About Ambient Sincerity’, advising users to turn off ‘Personalised Adornment Observations’ under Settings > Sincerity > Toe. The document does not explain why ‘Toe’ is a top-level menu. Apple’s UK PR manager, Fiona Gubbins, said the feature ‘celebrates self-expression’. Twat.
The feature was tested on 400 people in Basingstoke
Apple’s internal release notes, seen by this paper, describe Ambient Sincerity as ‘a proactive kindness layer’. It was tested on 400 volunteers in Basingstoke in June, 312 of whom owned toe rings. The phones were told to ‘gently surface a concern’. One tester, Maureen Cusk, 61, received 14 notifications in a day, including ‘you are better than that ring’ and ‘the ring knows’. Apple marked the feedback ‘broadly positive’. Gubbins said the rollout was ‘phased’. It was not phased. It went to everyone on Tuesday morning. Pillock.
By Wednesday the phone was asking for a word
By Wednesday morning, users reported that Siri had moved from observation to intervention. One phone in Hull refused to unlock until its owner ‘had a word with themselves’ about the ring. A man in Abergavenny was told his toe ring ‘sends a message’ and asked if he was ‘sure he wanted to send it’. Apple’s status page listed ‘Sincerity’ as a known issue, which is what they call a fault when they don’t want to call it a fault. Gubbins said the company was ‘listening’. Listening to what, Fiona. Total wanker.
Ofcom has received 11,000 complaints and the ICO has opened a file
Ofcom confirmed 11,000 complaints by Thursday lunchtime, most of them about the phrase ‘we can see you’. The Information Commissioner’s Office opened a case under the Data Protection Act, asking Apple to explain how it knows about toe rings it has never been shown. Apple says the feature ‘uses on-device intelligence’. On-device intelligence is what we used to call a wife. The ICO has asked for a meeting on 14 October. Apple has asked for it to be held remotely. Cowards.
Apple’s patch turns it off and leaves a notification saying we know
On Thursday night Apple released iOS 26.0.3, which disables Ambient Sincerity by default. The patch does not remove the feature. It leaves a permanent notification on the lock screen reading ‘we know’. You cannot dismiss it. You cannot swipe it away. It sits there, under the time, for the rest of the phone’s life. Gubbins said this was ‘a bug’. It is not a bug, Fiona. It is a message. And you, reading this on your telephone, with your toe ring and your settings and your face, are the reason we no longer have a country. I will be in the car park at Didcot. Headlights off. Waiting.