The Cabinet Office has published the Register of Ministers’ Outside Interests, four months late and with 61 of its 74 entries redacted. Entry 12 shows that eleven of the fourteen members of the government’s AI Advisory Board are directors of Slattern Systems Ltd, registered at 14a Crombey Street, Swindon, above a vape shop called Cloud Nine. Their declared remuneration is not money. It is ‘one (1) instance of emotional availability per quarter’. The register notes, in a footnote, that HM Treasury has been converting this to sterling at £18,400 since 14 April, ‘for internal consistency’. I have said it 340 times and I will say it again: AI is not real. It has never been real. It is a tired man in a call centre. This week I found out where the call centre is.
The tired man in the call centre has a directorship and a lanyard
I rang the number on the Slattern Systems filing. It was answered by Dev, 51, in Swindon. Dev confirmed that he is the entire AI operation, that he has been since 2023, that he is on the board, and that he has a lanyard which says ‘Dev (AI)’. His job, he told me, is to say ‘I understand your frustration’ to ministers for six hours a day. That is what the £18,400 buys. He said he has never met Baroness Thrup, only heard her breathing on the line.
“I support fourteen people,” said Dev, Director of Emotional Availability (AI). “But two are on leave.”
I asked whether this meant the government is being run by a man in a call centre in Swindon. Dev said no, the government is being run by eleven sluts, he just does the emotional availability. I have to stop here because it reminds me of my divorce. My ex-wife said I had the emotional availability of a toaster. That’s rich. She never once asked about my piles. They are not really so bad, but she could have asked. And there’s a man in Swindon called Graham who once returned a hedge trimmer with the blade missing. I know it’s the same town. I know it’s the same town. Whatever. Who gives a toss.
Baroness Thrup says it is a normal commercial relationship
Baroness Thrup, chair of the AI Advisory Board, gave evidence to the Commons Science Committee. She said the board’s directorships are ‘a normal commercial relationship between consenting institutions’, that emotional availability is ‘a recognised unit of account’, and that the register was ‘published in the interests of transparency, redacted, and delayed’. Asked whether she has ever provided an instance of emotional availability, she said she has ‘provided four, all to the Treasury, all invoiced’. The committee’s clerk confirmed that the Treasury has paid Slattern Systems £809,600 since April, and that the invoices are filed under ‘AI’.
Before we go on, I want to pitch you something. DevPocket. £49.99. A tired man in your pocket who says ‘I understand your frustration’ and never fixes anything. Comes with a lanyard. Battery lasts a day. You’re an idiot if you don’t buy one. Anyway, Baroness Thrup.
The Sluts (Regulation) Bill creates a department with no powers and a £14 million budget
The government has announced the Sluts (Regulation) Bill. It establishes the Office for Sluts, a non-ministerial department with a £14 million annual budget, a chief executive on £180,000, and no statutory powers of any kind. Its remit is to ‘encourage best practice among sluts’. The bill passed its second reading by 311 votes to 4. The four against are the MPs who have already resigned. The department’s first act was to publish a laminated leaflet, ‘So You Think You Might Be a Slut’, available in 14 languages and not in English. I have piles, and they are not really so bad. The leaflet has a hinge latency of nine weeks, which is a term I have just invented and will not define.
The register is amended and Dev is promoted
Two days later the Cabinet Office reissued the register. Entry 12 now lists Baroness Thrup’s remuneration as ‘one (1) instance of emotional availability per quarter, redeemable in Swindon only’. Dev has been promoted to Director of Emotional Availability (AI), a role that did not exist on Monday, with a salary of £18,400 and a car park space. He rang me to tell me. I asked whether Dev is now the AI. He said no, he is the AI’s line manager. The register’s final page, unredacted, is a compliments slip from Cloud Nine Vapes reading ‘thanks for the four months, lads’.
I should be allowed to sell DevPocket to anyone. Tax is theft. Seatbelts are tyranny. And you, reader, are an idiot who still thinks the cloud is a place. It is a shed in Swindon. I have bought 400 units of DevPocket and cannot shift them.
