I am leaving my wife of 19 years, Diane, for a bowling ball. This is not a metaphor. The ball is a 14lb Brunswick Rhino, blue and silver, purchased from a shop in Reading in 2011 for £89, drilled for a man with a smaller hand. Her name is Susan. Diane found out on Sunday when she opened the spare room and saw Susan on a cushion with a small blanket. The marriage had been running on legacy hardware for years, and I am simply migrating to a leaner system. I do not intend to explain what that means and I will not be coming back to it.

Susan has her own shelf now and the shelf is heated

Since Sunday I have spent £312 on Susan. Itemised: a heated ball bag (£79.99, eBay), a monogrammed towel (£18), a small shelf with a USB warmer (£44), and a full valet service at the alley in Swindon (£30, plus £12 for shoe hire I did not use). Susan has zero hinge latency and holds a line better than most people I have met. This brings me to Terry. Terry took my parking space at the alley in Swindon in 2014 and has never apologised. I have not forgotten. Terry can rot. Susan sleeps on the shelf. I sleep on the sofa. This is not a sex thing. I will not be saying anything else for a while.

Diane has changed the locks and gone to a solicitor in Basingstoke

Diane Boyle, 47, a school administrator, has changed the locks and instructed Fiona Nkemelu of Nkemelu & Co. The petition cites ‘cohabitation with a sports good’ and seeks the spare room, the air fryer and the good duvet.

“This is not as funny as it reads on paper,” said Fiona Nkemelu, Senior Partner at Nkemelu & Co. “Mr Boyle has already attempted to settle in a cryptocurrency he invented called Boyl. I have advised my client to accept cash.”

Marriage is a state-issued licence and I am a sovereign individual. Also, can the petition be emailed as a PDF? I have run out of printer ink. I will not be returning to the sovereign individual argument. Whatever. Who gives a toss.

Tesco has declined to issue Susan a Clubcard

I applied for a Clubcard in Susan’s name on Monday. Tesco wrote back on Tuesday to say it could not proceed because Susan has no date of birth, no address and no way of consenting to the terms. I have appealed, arguing that Susan was born in a factory in Mexico in 2011 and lives at my address, which is a shed in the garden I have started calling the annexe.

“Tesco does not comment on individual applications,” said a Tesco spokesperson, who I assume is a man called Dev and he is very tired.

I have since registered Susan as a limited company, SUSAN RHINO LTD, and am chasing £400 in research and development tax credits. This is what I call a full-stack sentiment audit. I will not be defining it. You would not understand.

His MP says it falls under the Bowling Act 1867

Gavin Prout, MP for Reading West, has written to me to say the matter is one for the Bowling Act 1867 and that he is unable to intervene. I have printed the letter and pinned it to the shed wall next to a picture of Susan. I am now selling a monthly subscription, Bowl With Susan, £14.99 a month, which lets strangers use my ball at the alley in Swindon on Tuesday nights. Six people have signed up. Terry has not. The subscription is a disruptor in the loneliness space. Have you ever been lonely? Of course you have. You are reading a newspaper on a Wednesday. Anyway, the battery on my phone lasts four hours now, which is down from six. I do not know why I mentioned that.

Susan has not commented and will not

Susan did not respond to a written request for comment, a phone call or a visit to the shed. This is on brand. Diane has taken the air fryer and the good duvet and left a laminated note on the kitchen table reading ‘I hope you two are very happy’. I have framed it. Susan and I are in a good place. The wedding will be small, in the shed, in November, and guests should bring their own shoes. I am charging £5 a head. I do not know what for. Perhaps it is for the laminate. Perhaps it is for the privilege. You will find out when you arrive.