You have been drinking tea incorrectly since March. I have watched you do it. The Office for National Statistics, in collaboration with the University of Salford, has released Lifestyle Bulletin 14: Beverage Discipline in Consecrated Communities, and the headline figure is a disgrace: 31 per cent of British nuns now ration teabags, up from 4 per cent in 2019. The bulletin defines rationing as brewing the same bag more than twice, or “steeping to transparency,” and counts 11,400 nuns across 612 convents. I was a special adviser to this study. The ONS notes the rise is sharpest among nuns under 40, which it calls “counter-intuitive.” It is not counter-intuitive. It is a failure of discipline, and you are next.
The novices are filming it
The cause has been located. It is a TikTok trend called “holy thrift,” started by a 26-year-old novice in Leeds, Sister Perpetua Nwosu, whose video of a single teabag being used four times has 2.3 million views. Her captions are one word each. Obedience. Poverty. Chastity. The fourth video is captioned “Thursday.” Other convents have copied her. A convent in Arundel reports its tea budget has fallen by £412 a year, which it has spent on beeswax. The ONS admits its survey question, “How many times do you use a teabag before discarding it,” was answered by 340 nuns who do not drink tea at all, but says the data “holds the shape.”
“The trend proves that the young cannot even waste properly,” said Dr Bill Bornfrom, special adviser to the bulletin. “They ration a teabag as if it were a virtue. It is not a virtue. It is a failure to buy a proper caddy. Now walk briskly to the coast, and eat less egg.”
I have said it before. I will say it again. Less egg. For everything. For war, for divorce, for the housing market, for a tea shortage. Less egg. You are not listening. I know you are not listening. I am in the walls, medically speaking.
The bishops deny everything and then publish fourteen pages
The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of England and Wales says it has no position on teabag reuse. Two days later, it issues a pastoral letter, Reverent Steeping, which bans the phrase “tea pig” from parish bulletins, clarifies that a used bag may be “offered to the compost as a small death,” and reminds the faithful that tea is not a sacrament. A spokesman, Father Declan Moriarty, says the letter is “not about tea” and declines to say what it is about.
“The letter is a distraction from the real issue, which is that you have not walked briskly since Tuesday,” said Dr Bornfrom. “I have been watching one nun in particular since 2014. I will not say which. She knows. She has always known.”
The bishops have not responded to my request for a comment on the watching. I did not make a request. I am not in the habit of requesting.
The lead author is suspended for calling peer review a clown car
Professor Ruth Nkemelu, who wrote the Salford half of the bulletin, has been suspended after a voice note in which she calls the peer review panel “a clown car with a rota” reached the Times. She had objected to the inclusion of a fourth-reuse category, which she says was added by me at 11pm. The university says it is “reviewing its processes,” a phrase it has used in three previous statements this year. I do not mention Professor Nkemelu. She is not relevant. What is relevant is the table below. Study it until your behaviour improves.
| Teabag reuse category | Percentage of nuns | My recommendation |
|---|---|---|
| Single use | 61% | Acceptable, barely |
| Twice | 8% | Brisk walk required |
| Thrice | 4% | Reduce egg intake |
| Four or more | 2% | Confess to your mother |
| Do not drink tea | 25% | Start, then stop |
The numbers, revised
The ONS has published the full breakdown, then revised the headline figure down to 6 per cent, then admitted the original 31 per cent came from a spreadsheet in which a column of convent electricity meter readings had been pasted into the teabag column. The bulletin has been withdrawn. I claim the fall from 31 to 6 per cent as the direct result of my advice, which I issued on Tuesday and which has already worked. A 78-year-old nun in Preston, Sister Assumpta Doyle, has told GraveNews she has rationed her teabags since 1971, has been surveyed by nobody, and would like the ONS to stop asking.
“I have been surveyed by nobody,” said Sister Assumpta Doyle. “The ONS can keep its questions. I have a routine. It does not involve a spreadsheet.”
She is the only one of you who understands. The rest of you are drinking tea wrong. I can see what is in your cupboard. It is not a surprise. It is a box of PG Tips, a jar of honey from a farm shop, and a single egg you have been saving for a special occasion. There is no special occasion. There is only the walk. Briskly. Now.
