At 7am on Friday, the Met Office issued a ‘Red Heat Warning’ for the entire United Kingdom, as a Saharan plume pushed temperatures to 31C. In a televised address, Chief Meteorologist Dr Alan Prowse, flanked by a chart showing a large orange blob over the Atlantic, announced the ‘Community Cooling Initiative’. ‘The science is simple,’ he said. ‘Heat kills. Neighbours are a renewable resource. Put one in the freezer.’ He then demonstrated the technique using a small chest freezer and a volunteer from the audience, a Mrs Patricia Ogden, who was sealed inside for 40 seconds and emerged shivering but smiling. Dr Prowse called this ‘a success’.

The guidance is clear

The Met Office issued a 14-page document, ‘Neighbour Freezing: A Practical Guide’, which advised households to ‘select a neighbour who is not currently in use’, ‘ensure the freezer is at least 50 per cent empty’, and ‘provide a packed lunch, as freezing is hungry work’. It also recommended rotating the neighbour every six hours ‘to avoid boredom’. The document included a diagram showing a neighbour being slid into a chest freezer with the caption ‘The correct position is lateral’. By 9am, the Met Office had received 4,000 calls from members of the public asking whether the freezer should be plugged in. The answer, according to a spokesperson, was ‘ideally yes, but not essential’.

You, of course, have questions. You always do. You have been asking questions since you were a child, and look where that got you. Sit down. Read the document. The document is clear. If the document is not clear, read it again, then walk briskly to the freezer and reduce your egg intake. Eggs, as I have told you before, are a known heat conductor, and I will not be drawn on the matter further.

Luton leads the way

In Luton, Sheila Mapp, a 63-year-old retired dinner lady, placed her next-door neighbour Derek Hesketh, a 58-year-old civil engineer, into her under-counter freezer at 10.30am. She then left for a week in Skegness, telling reporters she had ‘done her bit’. Derek was discovered 14 hours later by a postman, Kevin Bright, who heard a muffled tapping from the freezer and opened it to find Derek shivering and clutching a packet of frozen peas. Derek was taken to hospital with mild hypothermia. He later told the Luton News: ‘I wasn’t worried at first. She said it would be six hours. But after hour eight, I started to think about my will.’ The Met Office issued a statement saying that Derek’s ordeal was ‘within acceptable parameters’ and that Sheila had ‘followed the spirit of the guidance’.

This is what compliance looks like. Sheila did not ask questions. Sheila did not demand a risk assessment. Sheila placed her neighbour in a freezer and went on holiday, which is more than most of you have achieved this year. Derek’s discomfort is regrettable, but regret is not a medical condition. A brisk walk and a reduction in egg consumption will address any residual anxiety. I will not be taking questions.

A note on compliance

In Bristol, a 34-year-old marketing executive, Chloe Winterbourne, refused to freeze her neighbour, citing his ‘aggressive snoring’ and ‘a history of borrowing my hedge trimmer without asking’. The Met Office responded by placing her under a ‘Heat Watch Order’, requiring her to report her neighbour’s temperature to a new enforcement body, the Thermal Compliance Unit, every two hours. The unit, staffed by three former traffic wardens, has so far sent 47 ‘warming letters’ to non-compliant households, warning of ‘further cooling measures’. The letters are printed on heat-sensitive paper that turns black when touched, rendering them unreadable. A spokesperson said this was ‘a deliberate design choice to encourage reflection’.

You are like Chloe. You think your preferences matter. You think a snoring neighbour is a valid reason to endanger the nation’s thermal equilibrium. You are wrong. The snoring is a feature, not a bug. It keeps the neighbour awake during the six-hour rotation, which is precisely what the guidance recommends. If you cannot see that, you are not ready for the freezer. You are not ready for anything. Walk briskly to the coast and think about what you have done.

The scheme expands

On Tuesday, the Met Office announced that the initiative would be extended to pets, with a new guide titled ‘Freezing Your Dog: A Loving Approach’. The guide recommends wrapping the animal in a tea towel before freezing and ‘placing a small photograph of yourself inside the freezer so the dog knows you are near’. The RSPCA has issued a statement calling the guidance ‘unhelpful’. Dr Prowse, in a follow-up press conference, said the scheme was ‘working as intended’ and that the UK was ‘leading the world in neighbour-based thermal management’. He then advised the nation to ‘walk briskly to the freezer’ and ‘reduce your egg intake, as eggs are a known heat conductor’. He did not elaborate.

I will elaborate. Eggs are the enemy. Eggs have always been the enemy. I have said this before, and I will say it again, and if you mention the patient who died, I will prescribe you a brisk walk to a very distant coast. The dog, at least, will not argue. The dog will sit in the freezer with a photograph of you, and it will be grateful. You could learn from the dog.

Derek speaks

Derek Hesketh, now recovering at home, was interviewed on BBC Radio Luton. Asked whether he would volunteer again, he paused for four seconds and said: ‘I would, if the sandwiches were better. She gave me a cheese and pickle that was past its best.’ He then added: ‘But I’d want a timer. And a bell.’ The Met Office has not commented on the bell. Dr Prowse, when asked about Derek’s remarks, said: ‘The scheme is not about comfort. It is about community. And community, like a freezer, is a closed system.’ He then advised the interviewer to ‘walk briskly to the coast’ and ‘consider fewer eggs’. The line went dead.

The line went dead because Dr Prowse had nothing left to say. The bell is a reasonable request, but reasonable requests are not the point. The point is that you will comply, and you will comply with a packed lunch and a timer and a bell if you must, and you will do it without complaint. I am watching your freezer. I am always watching your freezer. And if you have not frozen your neighbour by the time I finish this column, I will know. I always know. Now walk briskly to the kitchen and check the temperature. And for the last time: fewer eggs.