Dr Ralph Peverell, 58, of the Institute for Biblical Archaeology at the University of Cromer, told a press conference in a Croydon Premier Inn that Noah’s Ark has been found in a disused MOT bay behind the Kwik Fit on Purley Way. He said the keel is gopher wood, the dimensions match Genesis 6:15 to within a cubit, and the cubit in question is ‘the Croydon cubit, which is a bit longer because of the traffic’. He would not take questions. A man at the back asked if he had actually seen the wood. Dr Peverell said he had seen the mound, and the mound is boat-shaped, and that is better.
The Trust has already paid out £2.4 million and would like that noted
The Thurlow Trust, which funds the Institute, confirmed it has released £2.4 million in three tranches since 2023, including £61,000 for a ‘sonar wand’ bought off a man in a lay-by near Merstham and £14,500 for a laminated map of the Purley Way retail park with a cross on it. A Trust spokesman, Desmond Rooke, said the project is ‘a landmark in British archaeology and a credit to the Thurlow family name’. Asked what the Thurlow family name is a credit to, Mr Rooke said the Trust is ‘not a family, it’s a trust’, and ended the call.
“We have spent £2.4 million on a boat that is not a boat, but the paperwork is immaculate, and that is what matters in this country,” said Mr Rooke, speaking from a phone box in Bognor Regis.
I have spent eleven years doing what I call a full-stack sentiment audit on public funding, and I can report that it goes in, and then, and this is the bit they leave out of the brochure, it never comes back. You won’t have noticed that, because you still think a grant is a thing you earn. It isn’t. It’s a hole in a bucket. Which brings me to the Ark Finder, £79.99, a stick with a label on it. Point it at any mound, and it will tell you, in a cheerful voice, that the mound is a boat. It is not AI. There is no such thing as AI. There is a man in a call centre called Dev and he is very tired.
Second team arrives with a stick and ruins everything
The British Institute of Geological Anomalies sent two people, one of whom was on annual leave, to core the mound. They found a 1963 Ford Anglia with no wheels, a caravan chassis and approximately nine tonnes of dog dirt, compacted over what the report called ‘a considerable period of public use’. Dr Peverell dismissed the findings because the geological team’s principal instrument was ‘a stick’. He said the Anglia is ‘a later intrusion’ and the dog dirt is ‘organic packing, consistent with a voyage’. The Trust’s share price, which does not exist, is said to be holding steady.
“The stick is calibrated, and I have the certificate to prove it,” said Dr Helena Voss, the geological team’s only member who was not on annual leave. “We also used a tape measure, but the stick was the one that got the results.”
I have piles, and I find them not really so bad, which is more than I can say for this report. It is 14 pages long, and page three is a photograph of a dog. My ex-wife once took a core sample of our marriage and found it was mostly silence and a broken kettle. The geologists are no better. They think a caravan chassis is a boat. I think a caravan chassis is a boat if you believe hard enough and the wind is right. Whatever. Who gives a toss.
Croydon Council wants a mini roundabout and the Trust wants a writ
Croydon Council served a compulsory purchase order on the site to build a mini roundabout, citing a 2019 traffic survey and a laminated leaflet. The Trust applied for an injunction, arguing the mound is a place of worship and therefore protected under the Planning (Listed Buildings and Conservation Areas) Act 1990, section 1, which it says covers ‘anything a reasonable person holds sacred’. Mr Justice Crumm heard the application on a Tuesday and asked whether a mound of dog dirt can hold a congregation. Counsel for the Trust said it already has one, of eleven, on Sundays, and that attendance is rising. The judge reserved his decision and told both parties to stop wasting his time.
“I have seen the leaflet, and it is very clear,” said Mrs Justice Crumm, who is not related to the judge, but who lives in the area and has strong opinions about the leaflet. “It says ‘Noah’s Ark, Genuine, No Refunds’, and I for one am not going to argue with that.”
The mini roundabout is a classic piece of Croydon infrastructure: it will go nowhere, it will cost £1.2 million, and it will be finished in March. The Trust’s injunction is a classic piece of legal infrastructure: it will go nowhere, it will cost £400,000, and it will be finished in March. The only thing that is not classic is the dog dirt, which is, by all accounts, very old and very heavy.
A local man has been charging admission since 2021
It emerged that a local man, Barry Tunk, 61, has been charging visitors £4 to look at the mound since 2021, under a sign reading ‘NOAH’S ARK, GENUINE, NO REFUNDS’. Mr Tunk said he has taken ‘about £18,000’ and has spent it on a jet wash. He said he does not believe it is the Ark, has never believed it is the Ark, and is happy to keep not believing it for as long as people keep turning up. The Trust said Mr Tunk is ‘a parasite on a sacred site’. Mr Tunk said the Trust is ‘a parasite on a pile of dog dirt’, and that the Ark is round the back if anyone wants a look, £4, no refunds.
“I have a degree in theology from the Open University, and I can confirm that this is not a boat,” said Mr Tunk, who does not have a degree in theology from the Open University. “But it is a very good mound, and I have a jet wash now.”
I once bought a torque wrench off a man in Swindon, and it was duff, and I have never forgiven the town. Swindon is the Croydon of the north, and Croydon is the Swindon of the south, and they are both full of people who think a mound is a boat. The man in Swindon now runs a call centre, and he is very tired.
Dr Peverell will not be deterred, or indeed questioned
Dr Peverell told GraveNews that the Anglia is ‘a test of faith’ and that the dog dirt is ‘the residue of the Flood, which was global, which means it would have reached Croydon, which it did, because here it is’. He said he will continue digging until he finds the dove, the olive branch or ‘at the very least a plank’. Asked how he will know a plank when he sees one, he said he will know. The Institute’s next funding round opens in January. The mini roundabout is due to be finished in March. Mr Tunk has put his prices up to £5.
