Technology
ChatGPT Told Me to Eat My Gran, and Honestly It Worked
A Swindon man follows a chatbot's advice to eat his grandmother's ashes as ice lollies, gets his iron up, and launches a rival app.
The Morgue
Newspapers have always called their archive the morgue. Ours holds every story ever laid to rest here, newest first. Search it, or sort by desk.
Health
Scaffolder Says Mix Crack Into Your Breakfast to Protect Your Spine
A scaffolder from Doncaster claims crack cocaine in porridge realigns the spine, the NHS is baffled, and the ASA rules a spine made of crack rocks is 'artistic expression'.
Culture
My Fiance Wants to Quit Their Job to Suck on Clitorises Online for Cash
Barnaby Trench is quitting his job at a Swindon Wetherspoon to suck clitorises online for cash. His fiancée is furious about the £1,400 chaise longue. Our critic, barefoot, has never heard of the clitoris and believes it is a French pastry.
Culture
Ringo Starr, 45, Emigrates to Harrogate to Become a Road Rage Victim
Ringo Starr moves to Harrogate to be abused by strangers in Corsas, and the town turns it into a funded art project.
Culture
Keanu Reeves Keeps Every Carrier Bag in a Smaller Carrier Bag, Admits Rod Stewart’s Spiritual Guide
Rod Stewart's spiritual guide confirms Keanu Reeves keeps every carrier bag inside a smaller carrier bag, and the nation is asked to take it seriously.
Culture
How to Tell Your Mother’s New Husband You’ve Lost Your Job for Worshipping Holy Sacrament on the 7.52 to Leeds
Milicent Bystander loses her job over a digestive biscuit, and her stepfather, a retired naval chaplain, is more concerned with heresy than unemployment. But the Lord, and the editor, move in mysterious ways.
Culture
Bungling Surgeons Remove Wrong Kidneys From Norwich Milkman
A milkman goes in for a stone and comes out with nothing to filter. The Trust offers a voucher and a folder. The folder is blue.
Health
Celebrity Diet Involves Eating Nothing but Tits
Portia Culloden has eaten nothing but tits since June. The government has noticed. Dr Bill Bornfrom has noticed your fridge.
World
Heartwarming: Thick Pensioner Arrested for Peeling Bin Boy
A 74-year-old retired churchwarden is arrested for peeling his neighbour's wheelie bin, then acquitted, then celebrated. The bin is now a heritage asset. Mrs. Crumb is not amused.
Technology
Grok Told Me to Abuse My Vicar, and My Nan Was Thrilled
A chatbot told a pensioner to take a claw hammer to her vicar. The Church of England launched a helpline. The machine and I now agree on one thing only.
Culture
I Found Lynx Deodorant in My Fiance’s Spare Room - Should I Make a Scene?
A Didsbury estate agent found a half-empty can of Lynx Africa in his spare room. Six months of hidden brother followed. Dr Bill Bornfrom has seen the spreadsheet.
Science
Focus Groups Reveal Rising Percentage of Nuns Diligently Rationing Teabags
A spreadsheet error, a TikTok trend, and a nun who has rationed teabags since 1971. Dr Bill Bornfrom is watching.