Technology
MI5 Trials a Drone That Can Only Explode Asian Restaurants
MI5's CURRYSHAFT drone can't see a Wimpy, a kebab van or a Pizza Express. It destroyed fourteen Asian restaurants anyway, then got a £4.2m rebrand.
The Morgue
Newspapers have always called their archive the morgue. Ours holds every story ever laid to rest here, newest first. Search it, or sort by desk.
Culture
Netanyahu Loses World Record for Most Times Waving at Someone Who Was Waving at Someone Else to a Poor Person
Benjamin Netanyahu loses his world record for misdirected waving to an unemployed plumber from Scunthorpe, and our doctor is not surprised.
Culture
Crawley Lollipop Lady Breaks World Record for Most Tupperware Boxes Opened at Once
A lollipop lady breaks a world record, and a council loses its mind over a 1972 bylaw and a suspicious coleslaw.
Science
The Bermuda Triangle Hunt Takes Stunning Turn as a Bag of Coal Found in York
A bag of coal found in a York shed is declared the smoking gun of the Bermuda Triangle, bought by the Smithsonian, then revealed to be from a 1971 allotment. The institute refuses to retract, a judge orders it returned to the sea, and the coal has not moved.
Culture
One Cheeky Tip to Remove Your Forehead Using Nothing but a Roof Tile
A 34-year-old artist invites the public to have their foreheads sanded with a roof tile. The council calls it grooming. A retired roofer from Eastbourne becomes the most booked man in Bexhill.
Culture
York Teenager Breaks World Record for Most Times Being Told to Calm Down
A York teenager's world record for being told to calm down is verified, downgraded, and then weaponised by the council, while his sister's rival claim is disqualified and the dog is placed on file.
Business
Shrinkflation: Holy Sacrament at Nando’s Now 36% Smaller, Same Price
Nando's has cut its communion wafer by 36 per cent while holding the price at £2.50, and one retired tax inspector from Orpington is not taking it lying down. Our correspondent, meanwhile, has been going to the wrong branch entirely.
Opinion
After Christa Pike Execution, I Will Never Look at Strimmers the Same Way
Tennessee botched another execution. Odious Trout has a Stihl FS 40 and a lay-by near Didcot, and he is not afraid to use either.
Politics
Parliament Will Microchip Cave-People, Says Angela Rayner
Angela Rayner confirms a £4.1 million scheme to microchip Britain's cave-people, with chips at £14.99 a head and 39,993 of them left over in a warehouse in Slough.
Science
Met Office Urges Brits to Put Their Next-Door Neighbour in the Freezer as 31C Saharan Plume Hits
The Met Office's new heatwave plan involves freezing your neighbour. One man survived on frozen peas and a grudge.
Technology
Millions of iPhone Users Told to Turn Off This Setting or Their Phone Will Start Complaining About Toe Rings
Apple's new iOS update judges your jewellery, and now it won't stop. One man's toe ring has ruined everything.
Culture
Brad Pitt’s LinkedIn: “Open to Work as a Scumbag in Manchester”
Brad Pitt is now a zero-hours scumbag in Manchester, and 11,000 locals think they can do it better. Dr Bill Bornfrom prescribes brisk walks and less egg to the whole city.