Vol. III · No. 313
Day Edition The Graveyard Shift
Price Twopence Cold. Low cloud
Newspapers have always called their archive the morgue. Ours holds every story ever laid to rest here, newest first. Search it, or sort by desk.
NHS England is now prescribing scotch eggs instead of GP appointments, saving £4.2 million by not treating anyone. The scheme is being extended to Hull, where the eggs will be pickled.
Funeral directors report a 340 per cent rise in Britons requesting to be buried with their best friend's father. The most requested man in Britain is alive, has not consented, and has instructed a solicitor.
Dr Bill Bornfrom's ten-day rectal oyster detox has 11,000 adherents, an MP, a deputy chief constable, and two hospitalisations. He prescribes less egg.
Michael Gove unveils a £524 watermelon in a Rotherham abattoir, gets hit in the face with a baguette, and the fruit is never sold. The nation watches, or parks in a lay-by.
Swindon has twinned itself with the clitoris, a move the mayor calls 'a bold step for a town that has historically been overlooked'. A local art student is thrilled. Two councillors are not.
The government's AI is a tired man in Swindon, and he's now a director. Also, there's a new Office for Sluts.
Netflix turns a disastrous Tewkesbury awayday into a nine-part epic. Participants get £250 and an NDA. Your correspondent gets confused by a Danish ferry.
Dilys Pryce has meditated on the same Bialetti spiraliser for 19,000 consecutive days. Then the museum took it, insured it for £450, and closed at 4.30.
Donald Trump denies breaking a minor royal's hat despite fifteen witnesses, a notarised letter from a milliner paid in cash, and a select committee ruling that the hat was 'asking for it'. Our critic arrives barefoot and leaves with a beetroot.
A private banker punched a 2,400-year-old marble nutsack. The museum reclassified it as a participatory exhibit. The hoplite was banned.
Nigel Farage accepted the inaugural Cuck of the Year award from a man in a full cuckoo costume, then the British Ornithological Society denied the whole thing ever happened. Dr Bill Bornfrom has reviewed the case notes and reached a diagnosis.
The BNP apologises for beating children with doughnuts, then doubles down with a 12-page framework and a new line of Patriot Pastries. Your correspondent finds herself, against all reason, rather taken with the idea.
