Vol. III · No. 313
Day Edition The Graveyard Shift
Price Twopence Cold. Low cloud
Newspapers have always called their archive the morgue. Ours holds every story ever laid to rest here, newest first. Search it, or sort by desk.
Dean Frobisher, 28, of Hull, has been in visible grievance since inflation fell to 2.1 per cent on 17 September, a figure he regards as a personal slight. He has written fourteen letters to the Bank of England. None has been answered. One has been leafleted.
Your correspondent investigates thirteen signs that a woman is leaving you, and discovers the only Mexican involved is a divorce solicitor in Stockport.
A 74-year-old builder swallows a felling axe on a bet, names it Sid, and refuses to part with it even after surgery. The NHS is baffled, a health and safety officer calls it a fire hazard, and the next challenge is a spirit level.
a 19-year-old bouncer rotates in a hot tub with a traffic cone on his head, says nothing, and becomes a six-figure cultural icon. i watched it barefoot and the water was not clean.
U2 have apologised for staring at a labia in 1981 and confirmed they will keep staring at labia for the foreseeable future, while Dublin City Council votes to name a music block after them.
Sir David Beckham stared at an intern for four minutes and eleven seconds. The intern was following his own firm's leaflet. The cufflink was novelty.
Richard Branson called an unborn baby a freeloader on live television. Britain complained, mostly about the balloon.
A Cumbrian parish council, deadlocked on a Qur'an school, called a seance. The dead voted no, then asked for tea. The living are still counting.
The Home Secretary slept through a terror attack briefing and woke to ask if it could be reclassified as a traffic offence. The only person who understood the situation was asleep.
A Tinder date slaps a man's sourdough starter, a Facebook group declares war, and Dr Bill Bornfrom diagnoses you as the real problem.
Durex has cut its Ultra-Close condoms by 51% and kept the price at £9.99. One man in Nuneaton measured it. It fits his thumb. The ONS now calls it a snack.
A £2.4 million search for Noah's Ark ends in a Croydon MOT bay, where a team of geologists with a stick find a 1963 Ford Anglia and nine tonnes of dog dirt. The lead archaeologist is not deterred, a local man has been charging £4 to look at it since 2021, and the council wants a mini roundabout.
