Culture
Parish Council Meeting Ends in a Seance Over Qur’ans
A Cumbrian parish council, deadlocked on a Qur'an school, called a seance. The dead voted no, then asked for tea. The living are still counting.
Culture
Arts, media, and the discourse about the discourse.
Plate: Death and the Critic
Culture
I Walked in on My Tinder Date While They Were Slapping My Sourdough - Is It Me?
A Tinder date slaps a man's sourdough starter, a Facebook group declares war, and Dr Bill Bornfrom diagnoses you as the real problem.
Culture
Undertakers Report Surge in Brits Asking to Be Buried With Their Best Mate’s Dad
Funeral directors report a 340 per cent rise in Britons requesting to be buried with their best friend's father. The most requested man in Britain is alive, has not consented, and has instructed a solicitor.
Culture
Swindon to Be Twinned With a Clitoris
Swindon has twinned itself with the clitoris, a move the mayor calls 'a bold step for a town that has historically been overlooked'. A local art student is thrilled. Two councillors are not.
Culture
Netflix Orders 9-Part Drama About Damaging Team-Building Awayday
Netflix turns a disastrous Tewkesbury awayday into a nine-part epic. Participants get £250 and an NDA. Your correspondent gets confused by a Danish ferry.
Culture
Birmingham Woman Has Been Meditating With the Same Spiraliser Since 1974
Dilys Pryce has meditated on the same Bialetti spiraliser for 19,000 consecutive days. Then the museum took it, insured it for £450, and closed at 4.30.
Culture
Donald Trump Denies Breaking a Hat Despite 15 Witnesses
Donald Trump denies breaking a minor royal's hat despite fifteen witnesses, a notarised letter from a milliner paid in cash, and a select committee ruling that the hat was 'asking for it'. Our critic arrives barefoot and leaves with a beetroot.
Culture
Local Banker Beaten After Punching a Nutsack in the British Museum
A private banker punched a 2,400-year-old marble nutsack. The museum reclassified it as a participatory exhibit. The hoplite was banned.
Culture
Cuck of the Year: Nigel Farage
Nigel Farage accepted the inaugural Cuck of the Year award from a man in a full cuckoo costume, then the British Ornithological Society denied the whole thing ever happened. Dr Bill Bornfrom has reviewed the case notes and reached a diagnosis.
Culture
10 Things Baronesses Do When Nobody Is Watching
barefoot arts critic frederica organ infiltrates the house of lords and finds crisps, a golf club, and a list with her name on it. the beetroot does not lie.
Culture
Putin Cast as Shia LaBeouf in Biopic Nobody Asked For
A £90 million Putin biopic starring Shia LaBeouf, who hasn't blinked since August and wrestles a bear named Susan, is released to 11 viewers and no BAFTA nominations.
Culture
Is Your Electric Scooter Secretly a Tory? 10 Warning Signs
Two hundred and six of Britain's electric scooters are covert Tory operatives. Yours is one of them, and it has been taking notes.